Category: Uncategorized

You’re probably wondering what the title has to do with literally anything, but hang with me. I promise we’ll get to the point by the end of my thoughts for the night.

Tonight Jesus reminded me where I needed to start. It’s funny how He does that, huh? You write down blogging ideas and stay up late at night with thoughts a blaze just for Him to step in and say, “hey child, how about just…starting?” So that’s what I’m going to do; start with why I’m here and why I want to share my heart with each of you so much. Grab some water (or wine,) and let’s dive in.

When I was 16 my very best friend and I were in a car wreck that did just that, wrecked us. Not in a physical way, but very much mentally. I’ll spare you the intricate details for now, but I could have never known at 16 that a reckless decision on the two people that hit us would effect Meghan and I for the next 14 years and counting. Some of you know my story, most of you only know bits and pieces, but what’s important is that you know my testimony and know that you, too, have one.

Let’s chat anxiety and mental health, because regardless of where you’re from or what you’ve been told, the feelings and thoughts that you have are not “just in your head.” Man, I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that. At 17, two months after the accident, I learned what the term panic attack was and just how close the two of us would become. I feel like as a generation we’ve become better at talking about the term more fluidly, but for those of you who don’t know or have never experienced it, allow me to explain. People are different, but for me it’s an all-consuming feeling of fear all at once. It’s tingling beginning in my hands until it makes its way to my toes and throughout my brain. It’s feeling like you’re going die right where you are. It’s the clammy hands and fever-like body chills, loss of thought and instant dry mouth. Although mine typically starts inside of a vehicle, anxiety can look like fear of crowds, loud noises, dark spaces, and fearing what you can’t tangibly control.

I want to be clear, I’m not opening up about my journey for pity or attention. I want to be as open and transparent as possible in hopes that someone needs to see these very words, and reach out to talk. I know that we read articles online all the time about anxiety and how to make you feel happy and validated, but y’all, I want to be that real life person, that friend, that co-worker, and that acquaintance that you can truly connect with. Now don’t get me wrong, there’s been so many lovely words I needed to hear from a complete stranger, but I also want you to know that there are people that you know who feel and understand you. To know that it’s truly okay to not be okay.

Want to know a little secret? We’re all not okay at some points in our life. Jesus did not promise us mountains without valleys, but let me tell ya, that mountain top is so much more beautiful after you’ve walked the depths with our Father. I mean rock bottom. I also want you to know that it’s okay to take medication if you need it. It’s okay to go see a counselor. It’s okay to question why in the world God would put dark thoughts in your precious mind, to wonder why He’s left you, and the one that still stings, why you’re never going to get better. OH BOY! There’s so much to unpack in those sentences, but I’ll keep it simple. Jesus didn’t put those thoughts in your head, or leave you, or tell you that you’ll always feel this way. That is just simply not of Him. That is satan taking his opportunity to lead you astray. Don’t. Let. him. Win. Surround yourself with people who love you. And I don’t mean people who just celebrate your wins, but who comforts you in your losses too. Find those good, soul-food people and open up to them. Feed your mind truths in scripture and prayer and worship.

For those of you who do not struggle with this, hug your people a little tighter. When they stop responding to your texts and calls, keep reaching out. When they keep cancelling plans, keep inviting them. When they tell you how they feel and you don’t understand, please don’t distance yourself from them. Simply explain that you don’t understand, but want to be there for them by loving them. Provide them with little notes that you’re thinking of them. Send them scripture and pray with/for them. Even when they say they want to be alone, sometimes that’s a cry for love. Tell. Them. You. Love. Them. It’s the most simple, but most heart-felt words to hear.

Even though I still struggle with anxiety, I’ve had plenty of time to learn my triggers, what medication works best for me, and that this is not some ungodly punishment. Once I figured that out, my relationship with Jesus changed and grew immensely. He’s put so many beautiful people in my life over the span of my life and each one not a moment too soon. Not for one single moment has He forsaken me, and that’s not His intention with you either. If you’re struggling with anxiety, hi! I’m here! You’re not alone and there’s nothing wrong with you. Read that again, there’s nothing wrong with you.

Sometimes Jesus uses the wildest of situations to draw you closer to Him. That’s just what He did to tame my wild, rebellious heart. I want you to know that it’s okay to reach out for help, because good people still exist. I’ve been reminded of that time and time again throughout many seasons, but especially this year. As I mentioned, the majority of my anxiety is brought up when I’m driving and I used to think people would think I was crazy if I asked them to follow me home if I ever felt a panic attack coming on. 2020 has restored my faith in people. This year, I finally got up the courage to pull over and ask, on different occasions, a lady in a yellow jeep, a deputy, and a soul sister to follow me home when I felt my anxiety rise on my commute home (to Adel from Tifton). And you know what? They did so with no questions asked. The lady in the yellow jeep told me, “my daughter has anxiety, so I hope that if she were in this situation someone would do the same for her.” While I pray her daughter never experiences anxiety while driving, I want to be that person to someone one day.

Sometimes, Jesus sends angels to help you out along the way. With a mind full of fear of covid numbers rising, how much I missed hugging my family, and thinking of everyone who has experienced a loss, Jesus sent me a lady in a yellow jeep, a deputy and a soul sister at different times to follow me home multiple times. I pray that you look for those little miracles in your days going forward, and that you bless people with the gifts you were given.

You are loved. You are valued. You are worthy. Surrender. Go be a vessel + a light.

Xx Chandler

November, which is arguably the best month, is finally here. A new month that brings a new season, and I’m not quite sure what that looks like for you, but for me it’s time to open up the windows and let the light in.

I started this blog in 2015 to get some grieving off of my chest after the loss of my aunt, and well, as you can tell I’ve never picked it back up. I have many posts and thoughts that were left unpublished for the last five years for reasons I feel most if not all of you can relate to. Fear. Fear that I would be judged. Fear of not being relatable. Fear of my words not coming out right or not sounding eloquent enough. Fear that I would somehow not be good enough even in a blog post. Fear that my messy life would be less of a blessing to someone reading and more of a burden.

November. A new month. A new season. A new day to rebuke the lies that satan puts in our minds, and hearts, and thoughts. Yet another chance to pray peace over fear and be who I am, and not this falsified person the world puts pressure on me to be, as spoken by my sweetest soul of a boyfriend. You see friends, we can sit in our slumber and wish away the rest of 2020 to be over, or we can take the blessings in each day and magnify them for others to see. We can take that fear of being judged and/or relatable and just take a chance in knowing that somebody, somewhere needs to hear your story. Take those thoughts of uncertainty, doubt and not being good enough, and share your messy life and words because as terrible as 2020 has been, if you dig deep enough, there’s a blessing waiting to be discovered. And that same blessing is waiting to be shared, if not just to get off of your chest, but to bless someone else.

I can’t be certain of the frequency of posts I’ll share, but I can assure you that each one will be the raw, transparent version of me that each of you deserve to know and relate to. The person and heart I’ve longed to share for years now. I keep hearing Kari Jobe’s new song “Let the Light In” resounding in my head, and specifically these lyrics: “It’s time for the sleepers to wake, it’s time for the old winds to change. I hear the spirit say, “It’s time.'”

I’m so looking forward to this new season. Open up your windows and let the light in with me, because we still have so much to be thankful for before we close this year out. And if you can’t find that light, be the light.

Xx Chandler

Have you ever missed someone every single day of your life? And I’m not talking a heartbreak type of missing, no, this is much worse. I would take a loss of appetite and excessive crying for only a week over a boy ANYDAY over waking up with those feelings multiplied at least by 20, every day of my life.

That’s what losing my Aunt to Ovarian Cancer has left my whole family and me with. An enormous hole in our hearts, thoughts and souls that only Julie could fill. You see, Julie Oliver Pickle isn’t just an aunt, a sister, a mother or even a best friend. She IS a spiritual mentor and lover of all things holy. She loves God and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ more than any other human being I have ever met. And the best part, she lived a life for Him and stayed so faithful and humble throughout a journey when many would have faltered. Most would have sulked (myself included) and wondered “why me?” constantly. I never, EVER once heard my Jewels utter those words. Instead, she always had an open mind. She was always ready to conquer treatments. She was always ready to tackle the next surgery. But it wasn’t her willingness to do whatever it took to kill this awful disease as much as what was driving her.

Her family.

Uncle Lyn, Leah, and our Ross were her motivation. Julie would not leave this world behind her for God’s glorious Kingdom until she knew she did everything in her earthly power to have one more second with her family every minute of every hour each and EVERY day. Not many people can say this, and for that I am so grateful to not only know a woman of such humility and love but to have called her my Auntie Jewels for 23 short years of my life.

Living 4 hours away from the various chemotherapy treatments, surgeries, and doctors appointments, in general, was probably the most stressful year and a half of my entire life. Growing up is not easy on top of it all, in case anyone forgot to tell you. When you love someone, you do everything in your power to show them/to make them feel it. I sent cards and more cards, notes of my favorite Bible verses for Jewels to read, hung a prayer chain in their house (each pin with a different bible verse and praying for you message), but no matter what I did my heart was still so sad. My heart is still so sad wishing every day for those weekends I could have come home to visit, but didn’t. Regret eats me alive with knowing how much more love I wanted to pour over this person I cared so much about but was too afraid of getting caught up in my own emotions and making Julie upset. Knowing how fragile her little organs were and how sick she could get with me just breathing on her terrified me.

Losing Julie at 23 years old taught me so much more about life and myself. For starters, Family has and always will be first in my life. I have been blessed with the best support system and it’s not very hard to notice. Julie has taught us just how short life is. You are never prepared for death. Ever. They say it’s something you just come to terms with, but everyone grieves differently, and sometimes I enjoy my quiet time crying with my pup. But there’s always those days where you just need to cry, and your mama hold you. And for that, I am still angry. I am angry that the two most important people in my life no longer have that option. I am angry because I wasn’t prepared. I am mostly angry that I took that for granted.

When God places someone in your life to love, you love the shit out of that person. Love them day in and day out and do it with excitement. Do it with passion and do it with patience. Love them when they’re mean and love them when they’re sweeter than Julie’s famous Dirt Cake. Love them when things get hard, and I mean really love them. Send them notes, send them cards, send them flowers, but please just PLEASE give them a call. Listen to their voices and memorize their sound. Catch on to their lingo and keep it alive. Have family group chats and keep in touch whether you are 2 or 2,000 million miles apart and keep the messages. I have kept a specific text with my promise since December of 2012, and I will never lose sight of the love and faith in Julie’s words: “Watch over Leah and Ross for me…”

Lele and Rossy, you are forever my heart, and I am forever your bodyguard.

They say that time makes everything a little less painful, and you eventually start to forget. If that’s the case, count me out. I don’t want to forget anything about my Aunt Julie and her trials. I don’t want to forget the beautiful memories we made before and during the most painful two years of our lives. And I never want to live in a place where people do not know this Angel that our whole family and community continues to remember and miss every day because that alone says so much about the legacy she led. I am so LUCKY to have known and been loved by such an amazing person.

I chose to hold on. Every picture, video, text or memory is sealed with my heart forever. While I may think of Jewels as I board a plane (thanks for talking me through my first flying experience) or shop in NY, or the amount of travel softball games I tagged along (because I never quite was the athletic one…cough Leah), or may it be every football game she watched me cheer until Ross was old enough to play…her memory reels like the sweetest movie you’ve ever dreamt of watching.

So as I’m thinking about you, missing you more every day, I also thank you. Thank you for being the best Mama/Wife/Daughter/Sister/Aunt/Friend , the definition of strong, forever faithful and most of all, THANK YOU for helping grow our family–teaching us what faith and love really is. “LOVE” you to Heaven and back.

**When my niece, Kinsley was first learning to talk, she could only say “Love” instead of “I love you.” Our whole family has done this every since and always reminded how much Kin loves her Julie/vice versa (as she was obviously Kinsley’s favorite) and the power of one single word.

**For anyone who has gone through or currently gone through this, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are far from that, and maybe if I could make myself believe that we will overcome this together.