Have you ever missed someone every single day of your life? And I’m not talking a heartbreak type of missing, no, this is much worse. I would take a loss of appetite and excessive crying for only a week over a boy ANYDAY over waking up with those feelings multiplied at least by 20, every day of my life.

That’s what losing my Aunt to Ovarian Cancer has left my whole family and me with. An enormous hole in our hearts, thoughts and souls that only Julie could fill. You see, Julie Oliver Pickle isn’t just an aunt, a sister, a mother or even a best friend. She IS a spiritual mentor and lover of all things holy. She loves God and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ more than any other human being I have ever met. And the best part, she lived a life for Him and stayed so faithful and humble throughout a journey when many would have faltered. Most would have sulked (myself included) and wondered “why me?” constantly. I never, EVER once heard my Jewels utter those words. Instead, she always had an open mind. She was always ready to conquer treatments. She was always ready to tackle the next surgery. But it wasn’t her willingness to do whatever it took to kill this awful disease as much as what was driving her.

Her family.

Uncle Lyn, Leah, and our Ross were her motivation. Julie would not leave this world behind her for God’s glorious Kingdom until she knew she did everything in her earthly power to have one more second with her family every minute of every hour each and EVERY day. Not many people can say this, and for that I am so grateful to not only know a woman of such humility and love but to have called her my Auntie Jewels for 23 short years of my life.

Living 4 hours away from the various chemotherapy treatments, surgeries, and doctors appointments, in general, was probably the most stressful year and a half of my entire life. Growing up is not easy on top of it all, in case anyone forgot to tell you. When you love someone, you do everything in your power to show them/to make them feel it. I sent cards and more cards, notes of my favorite Bible verses for Jewels to read, hung a prayer chain in their house (each pin with a different bible verse and praying for you message), but no matter what I did my heart was still so sad. My heart is still so sad wishing every day for those weekends I could have come home to visit, but didn’t. Regret eats me alive with knowing how much more love I wanted to pour over this person I cared so much about but was too afraid of getting caught up in my own emotions and making Julie upset. Knowing how fragile her little organs were and how sick she could get with me just breathing on her terrified me.

Losing Julie at 23 years old taught me so much more about life and myself. For starters, Family has and always will be first in my life. I have been blessed with the best support system and it’s not very hard to notice. Julie has taught us just how short life is. You are never prepared for death. Ever. They say it’s something you just come to terms with, but everyone grieves differently, and sometimes I enjoy my quiet time crying with my pup. But there’s always those days where you just need to cry, and your mama hold you. And for that, I am still angry. I am angry that the two most important people in my life no longer have that option. I am angry because I wasn’t prepared. I am mostly angry that I took that for granted.

When God places someone in your life to love, you love the shit out of that person. Love them day in and day out and do it with excitement. Do it with passion and do it with patience. Love them when they’re mean and love them when they’re sweeter than Julie’s famous Dirt Cake. Love them when things get hard, and I mean really love them. Send them notes, send them cards, send them flowers, but please just PLEASE give them a call. Listen to their voices and memorize their sound. Catch on to their lingo and keep it alive. Have family group chats and keep in touch whether you are 2 or 2,000 million miles apart and keep the messages. I have kept a specific text with my promise since December of 2012, and I will never lose sight of the love and faith in Julie’s words: “Watch over Leah and Ross for me…”

Lele and Rossy, you are forever my heart, and I am forever your bodyguard.

They say that time makes everything a little less painful, and you eventually start to forget. If that’s the case, count me out. I don’t want to forget anything about my Aunt Julie and her trials. I don’t want to forget the beautiful memories we made before and during the most painful two years of our lives. And I never want to live in a place where people do not know this Angel that our whole family and community continues to remember and miss every day because that alone says so much about the legacy she led. I am so LUCKY to have known and been loved by such an amazing person.

I chose to hold on. Every picture, video, text or memory is sealed with my heart forever. While I may think of Jewels as I board a plane (thanks for talking me through my first flying experience) or shop in NY, or the amount of travel softball games I tagged along (because I never quite was the athletic one…cough Leah), or may it be every football game she watched me cheer until Ross was old enough to play…her memory reels like the sweetest movie you’ve ever dreamt of watching.

So as I’m thinking about you, missing you more every day, I also thank you. Thank you for being the best Mama/Wife/Daughter/Sister/Aunt/Friend , the definition of strong, forever faithful and most of all, THANK YOU for helping grow our family–teaching us what faith and love really is. “LOVE” you to Heaven and back.

**When my niece, Kinsley was first learning to talk, she could only say “Love” instead of “I love you.” Our whole family has done this every since and always reminded how much Kin loves her Julie/vice versa (as she was obviously Kinsley’s favorite) and the power of one single word.

**For anyone who has gone through or currently gone through this, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are far from that, and maybe if I could make myself believe that we will overcome this together.